….that’s how I feel today.  I woke up this morning and felt that I have absolutely no purpose in my life right now.  There is nothing for me to jump out of the bed for.  I’m not working in the traditional sense of the word so there is no job to be at by 8am.  I have become fiercely dedicated to sticking to my classroom hours and not spending my entire day online with my class  I got burned from that and I learned my lesson.  There is no point in wishing for more money to spend because there is really nothing to spend any money on.  That’s just being wasteful and still isn’t purposeful.  I don’t have any children to take care of.  (Or course in my mind that just adds to the list…..I’m about to be 33 and I don’t have any kids, still haven’t bought my dream house, and don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing in life!)

I spend hours researching, fact gathering, writing, and wishing towards some personal business dreams and goals.  But I haven’t brought anything to fruition.  I recently started reading Refuse to Choose by Barbara Cher.  I think I’m waiting for a big breakthrough moment…..but I’m not getting it.  I’m sitting here right now and I could cry because I am so damn uninspired and I feel useless and defeated.  I don’t tell my husband that kind of stuff cause he’ll tell me to do something about it and I haven’t got a damn clue what to do.

About 11 or so years ago, my crazy ass aunt (my grandmother’s sister) confirmed that her husband was cheating on her.  In that moment…..he put her out the house because he owned it and wanted to move in his pregnant mistress.  I was at college but I heard plenty about how it went down.  She had rented her own house out when they got married and my uncle and mother had to go out to where she lived, pack as much as they could get in the car and take her to my grandmother’s house.  Did I mention that she’d also been laid off?  She was sure enough down and out.  I’m not sure how long it took for my grandmother to get tired of my aunt moping around defeated….but it wasn’t long.  So in Grand Diva fashion…..she cussed her sister out and gave her the “We are Gibbs” speech (that’s our family name).  At some point in our lives, the women in my family have been down, out, defeated, and in the midst of a pity party.  It’s in that moment that the Grand Diva decides she’s had just a damn nuff and explains to you:

We are Gibbs dammit!  We don’t walk around with our damn heads down.  We’ve made it THROUGH you hear me!  Beaten, raped, left for dead and we made it.  It’s women out there right now TRYING to get through the shit we’ve already gotten through and you sitting here crying and feeling sorry for yourself and shit.  STOP IT!  Gibbs women don’t do shit like that.  We get over it and pick ourselves up….dust ourselves off….and do better.  Now get to it!

Yeah she cusses a lot.  So I gave myself the speech today.  I come from Gibbs women and we’ve already made it through what killed some.  So this right here is just a stumbling block.

And I don’t feel not one ounce better.

The economy is still tanked and we all know that recovery for black folks will come much slower than the news will ever report.

We’re sending 30,000 more soldiers to war.

Children are not just dying….they are being KILLED every day. INNOCENT CHILDREN.

I think I’m depressed…