Josephine sat on the couch and looked over the three envelopes before her again. She had written notes to her mother, Renee, and Bryan. When she first had the thought to mail the handwritten notes to her loved ones she knew it would be hard. There were so few things you could say to a person when telling them goodbye unexpectedly. Each letter, although addressed to different people, all said the same thing. She wanted them to know that she loved them and that nothing they could have said would change her mind about leaving.
Josephine took a minute to look over the boxes she had stacked up as she readied herself to go to the mailbox. Each of them was distinctively labeled with its destination and what it contained. That would make it easier on the people coming to move them out.
All the other times before Josephine had found a reason to stop herself. In her mind, there was nothing worse than attempting to move on and having to return home because you failed.
She looked down at the letter to Bryan and remembered their last conversation.
“What the hell do you mean I’m a great friend you want to keep around forever?” Josephine screamed to his face. “I was more than a friend when I was on my knees letting you fuck my face. I was more than a friend those nights you didn’t want to be alone. What changed? Why are you doing this?”
“I knew you couldn’t handle this.”
“Then why the fuck are we having this damn discussion?”
“Because…..I’m getting married. You’ve gotta deal with it.”
Married to someone else. Thinking about that brought Josephine’s anxiety back and it consumed her body. The internal heat constricted her flow of oxygen and she started to choke. The tears burst forward and collapsed onto the floor from the dizziness. Josephine looked at the bowl of pills on the table and the bottle of wine laying beside them. Without Bryan she had no motivation to continue living. All of the past suicide attempts rushed to her mind as she lay on the floor with spotted eyes and tears flowing down her face. Tonight she would follow through. Tonight she would move on. But what if it didn’t work? What if the combination of pills chosen didn’t kill her? How would she survive life knowing that she had given up….with everyone else knowing that she had given up.
Josephine picked up the phone and dialed the number on the yellow card stuck on her bar.
“Serenity Springs Mental Hospital. Is this an emergency?”
“Yes. I want to kill myself.”
A week later Josephine sat in her therapist’s office and listened to the doctor explain the progress that she had made in dealing with her anxiety. In the 7 days since she had been admitted to the clinic, Josephine had accepted the fact that she had an anxiety disorder which resulted in severe moments of depression. Life without Bryan would be difficult to adjust to but eventually she would be happy again. She would learn how to control those hot flashes and dizzy spells and embrace the knowledge that the problem was not her or him leaving…..and it was fixable. She’s glad that she wasn’t afraid to get help.
They said...