The rise of psychological disorders has been one of the largest health crises of the 21st century, with a vast number of new and resurgent diseases dragging down brains across the globe. One of the most prevalent is anxiety disorders and mental conditions in which the bodyís natural panic reflex kicks in under inappropriate circumstances, removing the suffererís ability to deal properly with the stresses of life. Arguably the worst of these disorders is acute anxiety disorder. The afflicted are seized by full-bore panic attacks when triggered, with quickening heartbeat, sweating, dizziness and multiple other physical indicators.

Acute anxiety disorder attacks can last from five to twenty minutes, but many sufferers can be seized by waves of attacks over the period of several hours, dropping in and out of the anxious state multiple times. The outward symptomatic display of these attacks can often lead to social stigma, which can in turn lead to additional attacks. As a result, an estimated thirty percent of acute anxiety sufferers are agoraphobic as well, avoiding the outside world for fear of public panic attacks.

If you have never suffered an anxiety attack then you don’t understand.  You think people are weird and need to just “get it together.” I got a late start this morning….later than usual.  It was around 2pm when I made it to the library to set up shop and I had what I consider a long to do list. I needed to e-mail my guest for tomorrow’s show, talk to Carla – because she’s batting a thousand on comments and questions for the guests and I wanted her input on HBCU’s, e-mail TJ – who is next week’s guest, put together some samples for a writing gig, tweet (I know you’re thinking that sounds irrelevant but it’s about brand management), reply to my mother’s THREE e-mails, be productive, work on the family tree, decide when I’m going to Tulsa, and figure out which tribal records I need to request……and that’s the short list.  I’m also working on 3 websites and the adventure seeker (insert sarcasm) in me decided to attempt building my own instead of going with pre-made templates that everyone uses. Then there is the design for the banner I need to get made for a bridal exp in April (I think I’ve got a great design for it….it came to me in the car).  Anyway…..

My regular table at the library was taken.

I settled for the table closest to it…..which put me facing in a different direction. I couldn’t see the people coming off the stairs behind me. There was an odd light shining on my screen and causing a glare.  I had close to 70 browser tabs open and at least 3 chat conversations and 2 Twitter conversations going on.  I felt out of control. There were too many tabs open. I needed to check my school e-mail for final exam results.  Are people looking at me when I play Farmville on Facebook? Are they judging me?

I got overwhelmed by browser tabs…….and not being at my table………..and I panicked.

I got hot.

I got cold.

My mind started racing.

I couldn’t breathe.

My mouth is dry.

I couldn’t touch my husband cause he wasn’t there (touch makes me feel better for some odd ass reason).

And I could feel the tears coming.

I was completely out of my comfort zone and panicking.

My first instinct was FLIGHT. I wanted to pack up all my stuff and come home BUT I hadn’t done anything productive! I was supposed to enjoy my time at the library and get lots of work done.  I CAN NOT CRY IN THE DAMN LIBRARY.  But I’m hot and the tears are coming and my heart is racing and everything’s going so fast and I can’t keep up and it’s going at super speed in my head and I CANT DO IT!

DIVA…..if you start crying in this damn library people will think you are crazy as a damn loon. BREATHE.

Inhale

WAIT

Exhale

Inhale

WAIT

Exhale

Press play on iTunes……the Rent soundtrack. There is no future. There is no past. Thank God this moment’s not the last. There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget regret. Or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today.

Breathe

I had a freaking panic attack at the damn library and forced myself to sit there in that seat and stay til 5pm……my usual time.  I wrote about it because I have to get it out of my head.  Less in my head is literally less in my head.  And I wanted to explain to people how it feels to lose control in your head and how it affects you in the mildest of places….like the public library.

I daydream a lot.

I wander a lot.

I burst into random conversation…….in the middle of other conversations.

I forget things easily and often.

I’ve always joked about having a poor short term memory but these past few weeks something has been happening to me that is driving me absolutely bonkers.  I mentioned that I forget things easily……and often.  Well what happens is that all of a sudden, everything I’ve forgotten comes rushing to me.  Not only that but my brain goes into hyperdrive.  So I’m thinking of all these new ideas and my brain is just moving moving moving moving.  It’s like I’m on a sugar rush but I haven’t had any sugar.  It’s hard to type because I skip letter and spaces and make typos.

And then I crash.  Just like a sugar rush but with no sugar.  It happened to me earlier today when I was booking guests for my new radio show.  At the same time I remembered that I needed to speak with someone who sent me some information yesterday.  And I needed to call the storage facility manager. and WAIT dammit I was hungry.  There was so much going on in my mind at the same time and it was a struggle.  I could feel the anxiety attack coming.  I was hot and dizzy and the tears were on the verge.  So I asked myself…..what the hell is wrong with me?

Trusty google came into the picture.  Did you know that if you type all of your symptoms in the search box, google will tell you what they think is wrong with you.  I know it’s not “reliable” but ummmmm it’s a good start hell.

So google sends me to a site where I see this:
Inattention symptoms:

Hyperactivity symptoms:

Impulsivity symptoms:

Interesting.  Google says that I have Adult ADHD.  Can you develop ADHD as an adult?  Is that where the name comes from?  I remember growing up with a girl who “they said” had ADD and they gave her ritalin.  We all thought she was just bad as hell.  But we were kids.  I’m 33 years old.  My husband told me to get a planner and write everything down.  Big Sister Gorgeous One told me to make to do lists and get all that stuff out of my head.  I’ve tried that before.

I’ll try it again.

That was a message pastor gave once upon a time.

So I”m sitting here……sorta lost (let me explain sorta lost.  See lost is scared as hell, nothing looks familiar, I’mma die and get eaten by a bear.  SORTA LOST IS I KNOW the road is right there but how in the hell do I get to it.  No bears in sorta lost) so I decided to hit the random button on iTunes and see what memories flashback.  I love memories (or do I just live in the past too much?  hmmmmm)

The Story ~ Allure

I was dating the man I later nicknamed “The Ass” when I got this song.  He was a big music guy and would send me tracks that he thought I’d like.  This was one of them…..from the seduction playlist. I still like it a lot!  The ass is married now.  He wanted to marry a woman of a specific ethnicity and went out and found one.  Am I still bitter over the way he took advantage of me?  We could never be friends again.  Nope.  People that take advantage of you aren’t good friends.

I sometimes worry that I’m not a good friend to people who deserve it.  I worry about hurting TJ’s feelings or if I haven’t sent her a card in a while then I think I’m neglecting our friendship and I come down really hard on myself.  I don’t ever want any of my real friends to feel like I’ve felt in the past when I was done wrong by so called friends.  But at the same time……I feel like people who REALLY REALLY know me know that I can be an ass sometimes.  Isn’t accepting “faults” part of friendship?

All Naturally ~ Wayne Brady

If you don’t have Wayne Brady’s cd then you don’t have REAL MUSIC in your collection.  SERIOUSLY!  I absolutely love this song.  I’ve been going the “all natural” route for at least a year now.  And by that I mean that I’m liable to wear sweats all week long.  I tell you I think my spirit just ain’t in it.  I think leaving my job in 2008 gave me an excuse to slack and fall into a funk.  I’ve been doing better recently.  I even cut and pressed my hair!  I was looking at it today and it looks good!  I’m rocking a little chin length bob right now with some shorter layers framing my face.  I also have a small list of new hair products I want to try that may eliminate the huge combination I’ve been using for wash n go’s.  I’ll take pictures and let you know.  My makeup game has also been on lock lately.  Hell I even wore some heels today (I’ll tell y’all about the raggedy stairs later. LOL)

Crossroads ~ Bone Thugs N Harmony

LESLIE FROM MIAMI!  That is the only memory I will ever have that is sparked from the song.  Freshman year, Leslie decided that Oklahoma was NOT the business and was going to return to Miami and attend FAMU.  The last day of classes before Winter Break (didn’t it used to be called Christmas Break???) Leslie came into class pointing at people and singing and I’m gonna miss everybody  and I’m gonna miss everybody. He was a hoot.

You ever wonder what your gift in life is?  My crazy ass aunt says that mine is humor.  She says that I have the ability to bring humor to a situation and make people laugh.  I was thinking about the fact that I’m so in tune with my memories…..but I’m thinking that may be a family trait…..cause so is my crazy ass aunt.  Hmmm  Speaking of my crazy ass aunt!  She always writes in the cards that she sends you and usually it’s something that will lift your spirits.   There is never any plan as to when I open her cards. Sometimes it’s immediately and sometimes I toss them in my box or purse or somewhere and forget about them.  But I always open them right on time!  She sent a Christmas card and I knew that she had written in it so I saved it (and forgot about it).  Well I opened it recently and inside was the recipe for the chocolate chip cookies we were fighting over at Thanksgiving!  I love my crazy ass aunt!

Trust ~ Keyshia Cole w/ Monica

I’m not sure I have a memory associated with this song but I sure do like it.  That’s not true.  I was thinking about Atlanta earlier this evening.  I really enjoyed being there this summer and we seriously gave some thought to moving.  Moving wasn’t what was on my mind though.  Babies were.  Once kids come into the picture there are no more summer road trips.  That’s what was on my mind….the things I’ve recently done that I won’t be able to experience once I have kids…..maybe.  I also had the thought that we could do like other couples do and put the baby in their little seat and still go to the drive in.  It still wouldn’t be the same as last summer though.  Things will never be the same as last summer and that saddens me right now.

Does anyone else’s husband watch as much news as mine?  I just realized that I’m missing The Good Wife. hmph.

Hay ~ Crucial Conflict

Aren’t all memories associated with this song the same?  I mean seriously?

I went to visit granny’s house

Now I see why don’t nobody leave

we constantly constantly……y’all know!  mumbling inhale exhale the smell

The Color Purple (reprise) ~ LaChanze & Renee’ Goldsberry

One of the best musicals I ever saw!  It’s definitely in my top 5.  And this is one of the most powerful songs of the performance.

I think that’s enough.