You Should Just Die Now

When I am at my lowest the voice in my heads tells me that I should just die now.  I have no desire to live or to even be.  The only thing that sounds like it will bring relief is closing my eyes and never waking up again.

The world would be a better place without me.  I am a failure as a person.  I failed in life and people would be better off if I wasn’t a burden to them.  My friends wouldn’t have to always listen to me whine and go through my ups and downs.  The man I married could go off and live life scott free with the insurance money and have a good life.  I wouldn’t be stuck here wondering who will miss me if I die alone in my house.  I wouldn’t be lonely anymore.  I’d just be finished….not failing at anything else in life….not ruining life…..I just want to be finished.

Have you ever had a friend or relative who was incurable and tired of suffering?  When they said that they were tired they didn’t mean in terms of sleeping and rest.  They meant of living a suffering life.

I’m so tired.

Someone from the meditation center forwarded me this several months ago:

Symptoms of Mania: The “Highs” of Bipolar Disorder
Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior
Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue
Grandiose thoughts, inflated sense of self-importance
Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas
Impulsiveness, poor judgment, easily distracted
Reckless behavior
In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations

Symptoms of Depression: The “Lows” of Bipolar Disorder
Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns
Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety
Pessimism, indifference
Loss of energy, persistent lethargy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal
Unexplained aches and pains
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

I can recognize my highs and lows now.  I know when I’m manic and when I’m crashing.  I felt it coming but I couldn’t stop it.

The voice in my head says I should just die now and be done.

Thanks for visiting Diva (in Demand).  My blog escapades have followed me across 4 states, 3 jobs, a business venture, and a new husband. There are no mini divas yet but I have loads of nieces and nephews to slobber and wipe their dirty hands on me. I am an amateur pastry chef, certified cake decorator, and seasoned home cook who knows how to pair French cuiseine with fine wine, collard greens and cornbread. You'll find a little bit of everything around here.....where I take talking to myself to a whole new level.