First and foremost….if I get ANY…hear me….ANY ignorant comments I will go straight off like my name is Shaniqua Dayshawan Moniquetta Jones! Understand that!
Almost a year ago I wrote this post about “Shooting The Messenger.”
Today Creole posted a question from her inbox and I was extremely shocked by some of the comments. Her being who she is……brought this conversation to me as a sidebar. Below is the content of our chat.
Creole: Would you wanna know if a dude you were dating used to be gay?
Diva: Only if we might run into somebody he used to date
Creole: Would you tell someone?
Creole: That someone used to be gay?
Diva: Nope
Diva: None of my business
Creole: How would feel if she came up HIV+ later?
Diva: Her contracting HIV doesn’t have anything to do with not knowing if her partner used to date men. It has EVERYTHING to do with her not knowing his status before engaging in unprotected sex.
Diva: SEXUAL RESPONSIBILITY
Diva: She could have just as easily gotten HIV from a man who had never been with other men
Creole:But can’t you be dormant?
Diva: You may not have symptoms but a TEST will always tell you your status
Diva: And you should always make sure you and your partner get tested before having sex
Creole: I thought you could be dormant
Creole: Which is why they test you twice if you’ve been exposed
Diva: I wouldn’t call it dormant. It takes a certain amount of time for the antibodies to show up in your system. So if you are at risk then you should get tested more than once within that time frame. If you have had unprotected sex within the past four months then you need to be tested now and again in 12 weeks. Then again for safety sake in 6 months
Creole: How many people do that?
Diva: If you haven’t had unprotected sex within that window then you aren’t at risk and the first test is sufficient
Creole: I mean…I can see folks doing it the first time
Diva: People who care about their life
Diva: If you had contracted a disease then the fault would lay with you for being irresponsible in making sure that you were both safe before having sex. Not with the person who didn’t tell you that he used to date men.
Creole: But…they put you at risk
Diva: You put yourself at risk
Diva: YOU are responsible for yourself
Creole: But he didn’t tell you
Creole: When you go get tested
Diva: And YOU made the decision not to go back like the counselor said
Diva: So you’re telling me that she doesn’t know what his risk status is?
Creole: She doesn’t know he used to be gay
Diva: I’m talking about his risk status
Diva: If he hasn’t had unprotected sex in 10 years then him being gay is irrelevant and pointless to bring up
Diva: I understand the point you’re trying to make……..my thing though is that gay, used to be gay, whatever is irrelevant in the big picture of sexual safety and responsibility. If she is going to make sure of his status then she will go through ALL the questions and steps. PERIOD.
Creole: Yeah…i suppose
Creole: Well…I don’t know these people
Creole: Was just a question in my inbox
Creole: So I posted it for the chick asking the question
Creole: I was just surprised at the folks who said they wouldn’t say anything to her
Diva: You’re addressing two separate issues here……..past relationships and sexual responsibility.
Creole: Yeah
Creole: I just think it’s messed up
Creole: And I’d want to know
Diva: It breaks my heart to see or hear women blame the DL movement solely for the growth of HIV among young black women because we’re sending the message that you don’t have to take responsibility for making sure it doesn’t happen to you
Creole: But diva
Creole: This dude has EXCLUDED the truth
Diva: It’s a 2 way street
Creole: I understand what you’re saying
Creole: But he’s wrong as two left shoes
Diva: Him being gay is NO DIFFERENT than him sleeping with prostitutes 6 weeks ago or using drugs. Would people be so quick to tell if he used drugs?
Diva: I would hope that the focus would be on the two of them not being completely aware of each other’s risk and status moreso then him being gay at a point in life. People are getting hung up on gay and ignoring the fact that he’s at risk…..period. Why not have a discussion with her friend about getting tested before becoming intimate instead of purely focusing on revealing that he used to be gay?
Creole: My point is, yes, get tested. But if you’re not in the risk group you wouldn’t get RE-TESTED
Diva: If he hasn’t had sex with another man in the past 6 years then he’s not in the risk group anyway so it would be irrelevant
Diva: That’s not any different than not knowing if he regularly sleeps with prostitutes or drug users. What I am saying is that him being gay is not the issue. Him being gay is a symptom of a bigger problem and that’s them not knowing enough to have unprotected sex.
Creole: If he did ANY of those things he’s STILL wrong
Creole: What if it was a hetero guy and a prostitute saw him with his girlfriend?
Diva: Wouldn’t make any difference!
Diva: Go get tested
Creole: EXACTLY
Diva: And hell……go get tested again to be sure and still use a condom
Creole: But if I asked him and he lied HE’S DEAD WRONG
Diva: In today’s time if you don’t get tested at least twice in 6 months then you are just as wrong for not being responsible for yourself
Diva: Why take the risk?
Diva: Wait…..get tested….wait some more….get tested again
Diva: Folks take time to think over buying a new car but they jump in bed after 2 martinis. Every day people take extra precautions when they deem it necessary so when it comes to STD’s….both parties are just as responsible. He lied and she didn’t take that one extra step.
Thanks for visiting Diva (in Demand). To change this standard text, you have to enter some information about your self in the Dashboard -> Users -> Your Profile box. 
Diva, you made valid points regarding the woman mitigating her own sexual health, BUT at what point in a relationship do you go “RAW”? I mean… if you are SUPPOSE to be in a monogamous relationship and you’ve done everything right (i.e. been tested and counseled initially before you decided to toss the protection to the wind), what if he “steps out” with a dude (or a woman) and contracts the virus? I get tested for HIV when I have my annual exam. I have to ask for it because it’s not included. My husband donates blood on the regular so he’s tested. But, how many people in so-called committed relationships do that? This is why I said that ol’ girl may need to be informed about the potential of sexual indescretions.
Diva: You’re addressing two separate issues here……..past relationships and sexual responsibility.
This was my exact thought before I got to this point in the convo. Sexual preference has absolutely nothing to do with sexual responsibility of ones self.
Sex was created for procreation and marital relations. Some people treat it as a god given recreation, that has no responsibilities attached. A woman will never know how many people (note people, not women) a man has slept with. A man simply is not going to tell you. I am not telling you, my mama, my best fried… You can play Matlock and try to figure stuff out from past stories, but that number won’t be accurate. Gay and HIV are not synonymous. I worry more about Herpes than AIDS.
This was one of the more thought provoking convos we’ve ever had. Yall should read some of the ones we wouldn’t DARE publish. ROFL!
Wow! That was an incredible conversation you guys. I read it twice and the second time really made me acknowledge points I’d missed the first time. I loved the questions that Creole put out, straightforward as usual, and appreciated the candid answers that Diva gave back in return. Straight up! As Creole stated, I can only imagine the convos that you guys have that will never see the light of day. -smile
Erica asked at what point do you go raw.
You DON’T. If you can’t make enough of a commitment to marry and trust each other to be monogamous, then you can’t go raw. If you don’t want to have children with the person because you can’t afford it or you don’t want them to be tied to you permanently as a babymama/daddy, then you can’t go raw. Period. At all. Problem solved, very simply. Condoms are more affordable and convenient than clinic visits or diapers.
And if you’re with someone who insists on raw or not at all, consider them too immature and irresponsible to be allowed into your life.
In this day and age, people have to put it all out there BEFORE they have sex with a person. Testing included.
And I 100% agree with what Glory said on going raw.
Shaniqua Dayshawan Moniquetta Jones???? LOLOLOLOL!!
That’s a mess!
These are some great comments. Glory answered that question just as good as I would have. I love the fact that I know at least 8 people virtually who are intelligent enough to be responsible with their bodies.
You KNOW I counted doncha? ROFL!
I guess I’ll put in my one and a half cents…
I do think in our community we focus way too much on DL brothers. On the other hand, I will venture to say that it’s our religious zealousness (is that a word?) that caused the DL phenomenon to grow and subsequently HIV’s growth in heterosexual women. But I admit, I hadn’t thought about prostitutes as a factor. Nowadays you have to ask about prostitutes as well as sex with strippers at bachelor parties etc. The bottom line is that test, test, test. If you can’t bring yourself to ask him to be tested with you, you clearly aren’t comfortable enough to be getting nekkid with him.
I was reading the comments and stopped when I read Glory’s. I have to agree with her. RAW? No way. Hell no.
I like the convo yall had. It does make since about being sexually responsible for yourself. Knowing if someone was/is gay or not does not abdicate one of their own responsibility. Cuz like you said, you don’t have to be homosexual in order to have and pass on HIV to someone. Someone hiding their being homosexual is no different to me than if you lying about having children that live with your mamma (that you don’t support).