I don’t know if I keep in touch so well with people in real time that they don’t worry about me not blogging for months at a time or if y’all are just so trifling that you don’t notice when I’m missing. Nobody called Nancy Grace or Al Sharpton. Nobody reached out to the Peanut Gallery and asked if I was still alive. Not even an “Is this thing still on” email. Yeah I’m keeping my eyes on y’all.
Anyway. Homecoming was awesome and if you follow me on Facebook I’ll post my pictures there.
One of the highlights was spending time with sorors that I haven’t seen in double digit years and catching up. We sat down over wine and I told my story…all of my story. When I got to the part about considering suicide my line sister said I was selfish. But my other soror/friend said “You were at peace weren’t you?” I had never thought of it like that until she said it. But I was very much at peace. I wasn’t afraid of the oncoming train or what it would feel like as I laid on the tracks. I had paid up all the bills and I felt like my husband would be okay at that point without me. Hell he’d be better without me because he wouldn’t have me to worry about anymore. That mattered most to me. He would be okay and I wouldn’t be suffering anymore. People don’t get the chance to ask lost loved ones why but I know for me that not being here at all was such a better alternative than continuing to suffer.
Do I still contemplate killing myself? No.
Do I still suffer? Yes.
Is is still almost unbearable too but I keep telling myself that it will pass and I’ll be okay eventually.
Have I experienced the same sense of peace I did that day on the tracks?
”I believed Him on the shore but I knew HIm in the deep.” – Angie Smith, Women of Faith Conference Oklahoma City
What I have learned in life is that I am not alone in the deep. This isn’t me talking about a Footsteps in the Sand moment. No this was my realization that there are other people in the deep!
The biggest emotion I struggled with (and still do) was feeling alone…like no one else could possibly know how it feels to be going through what I was going through in life. I was wrong. Boy was I wrong.
I’m more open about my struggles because I am realizing that there are other people in the deep right now. After all I’ve been through there’s no level of “shame” or “pride” left in telling the truth. Because I am not alone in the deep and neither are you. You’re only alone as long as you don’t tell anyone that you’re there.
Have you ever actually written the note to say goodbye to people you love?
For a year and a half I carried around a note to TJ in my journal. I don’t remember exactly what it said but I know that I was telling her how much I’d appreciated her friendship over the years and how I’d made my decision a long time ago. I remember the day when I felt whole enough again to throw it away…after 18 months. I have a will in my journal now and my eulogy. I’ve written out my last wishes to my husband and how I want to be remembered but I’m not on the edge anymore.
Have you ever researched methods of suicide and then decided that as soon as you got some money you were going to Home Depot to buy pesticide…and then talked yourself out of it because you read that these days there is not enough poison in it to do the job and all that will happen is you’ll vomit it back up?
Have you ever driven to the train station in Des Plaines with the schedule in the car and planned to lay on the tracks during rush hour so that it would be too crowded for anyone to see you until it was too late?
Have you ever been driving on the highway and come up on a curvy overpass and consider hitting the gas and just going over the side?
I’ve thought about it.
Yesterday I accidentally came across this post from my 2010 birthday. You want to know a secret? This was my goodbye post. I didn’t plan to be here to turn 34. I read it yesterday and thought “damn….and here I am another year later.” I’m a little shocked sometimes.
This past birthday I started my Project 365 and today I decided that I’m going to stick around long enough to see all 366 (leap year) pictures.
Today is day 3. If you have never lost everything then you can’t begin to imagine how it feels to want something…anything. I haven’t seen my furniture, clothes, pictures…any parts of my life in almost 3 years. It’s been under lock and key in a storage pod. All I want right now is a home….my green couch and earthy colored rug and pictures on the brightly painted walls. A home to be settled in. I still don’t have that. Do you know those little plastic cups that hotels put on the ice bucket tray? I was pouring some wine in one once…in the hotel living years…and broke down crying because I missed my wine glasses. People take wine glasses for granted but live in a hotel with a mini fridge, microwave, and sink as your kitchen and see how much you appreciate glassware.
I have an apartment but I still don’t have a home. I still am not settled. And every day I miss my husband more and more. Through all the hard times and struggling I thought we’d rebuild together. I thought that we would get back on our feet together and that we would eventually look back on the worse, sickness, and poorer while we enjoyed the good, health, and financially stable. But instead we’re apart and every time I think of having a home it saddens me to think of one without him.
I remember the beginning back in Small Town, Oregon. We were in love and mentally/emotionally/spiritually/health wise I was in such a great place in life….WE were in a great place in life. I feel like I’ll never get back to that place. Being content in a home. Sharing space with someone you feel like you can’t live without. Becoming a part of one life together. Planning a future. Exploring dreams and passions.