I miss my husband so much. The other day I wanted to call him up and ask his opinion about stem cell research because those are the types of conversations we would have in the past.
But it’s not what we talk about now. These days he talks about divorce and I…well I tell him that I still believe it can work but we’re not agreeing with the other right now.
I miss the good times. Matter of fact, I can’t get that Jackson 5 song out of my head. I’m planning a family reunion for next year and in my wildest dreams we’d be a family. Maybe even with a little person on the way. Hence the reason it’s just a dream.
Oh well….maybe I’ll find someone to discuss stem cell research with. But I know it won’t be the same as discussing it with him.
I’m sitting at the Arkansas river listening to my Enchantment station on Pandora and wishing that the water was high enough that I could just walk in and give up. I’m ready to give up today.
I’m afraid of the voices in my head. I’m starting to question that maybe there is something really wrong with me. Who the hell hears voices…DIFFERENT VOICES…and listens to them?!?!? One of them is getting louder and more violent and today she scared me. I think there’s something wrong with me.
Yesterday he asked me if I was happy now. For the entire time I didn’t have a job I kept saying that I needed purpose and organization. I believed that a job and a home would make things better – that I’d feel better. But I don’t. I’m not any happier. I still feel lost and without purpose. I don’t know what I want…to be able to work towards it. I used to! I used to want my own event center with onsite everything and a local bakery and flower shop. I wanted a house with a backyard and family gatherings. I wanted to be in Chicago. I’ve given all that up and now I don’t even have a clue as to what to do next, where to go, what to want…I’m lost…I’ve lost myself.
My self esteem is shot all to hell.
All of the blogs you see online about divorce feature women who made the decision to leave…women who chose to end things. You never hear from the woman whose husband told her that he’d rather die a horrible death alone than be miserable with her anymore and packed his stuff and left. She never tells her story.
I remember dating a guy whose family had these big 4th of July celebrations and I always wanted him to invite me. I wanted to be special enough to him that he would include me in the family gatherings. I married a man that did just that and I never appreciated it.
When I die I want my ashes scattered in the desert right outside of Albuquerque (in the direction of Las Vegas).
Every time I write or type or think about Vegas I cry.
I woke up this morning and realized that I have had everything in life that I had ever truly wanted and I pissed it away in some fashion. I used to say I wanted to have my own business but didn’t have the time. After I lost my job I definitely had the time and I didn’t do anything with it. I always wanted to travel but wanted a “partner” and then I traveled for a year and only left the hotel room when forced to. I said I wanted to live in the south and spent a month in Atlanta without even entertaining the effort to stay and make it work.
At points in my life I’ve had the opportunity to have just what I wanted and I screwed it up. That’s going to be my legacy in life…a screw up.
I’ve never really felt physically unattractive. Sometimes I have bouts of it though. All women do. We feel fat or ugly or too short or too top heavy, etc…but we continue to fight through that and just keep going. Our self confidence and esteem carry us through those moments. If I had to be honest with myself, I can only remember one time when I felt uncomfortable naked. Even being overweight with FF breasts, I feel like I look good! But there was once a time when I was very uncomfortable with being on top because I felt like my stomach was bouncing up and down. Want to know a secret? Sometimes I stand in the bathroom mirror and lift my stomach up and imagine what I would look like if I had a flat stomach. I went to the gym today but that’s besides the point. The point is that today I didn’t just feel unattractive. I feel completely undesirable. I’ve never been in this situation before. I’m trying to put it into words without sounding crass. To feel undesirable is like being in bed, naked, with someone else, who is also naked, and the other person turning over and turning their back to you. Does that make sense Diary? I feel not good enough.
Today is a bad day……I feel like nobody wants me.