Dear Diary,
I’m sitting at the Arkansas river listening to my Enchantment station on Pandora and wishing that the water was high enough that I could just walk in and give up. I’m ready to give up today.
I’m afraid of the voices in my head. I’m starting to question that maybe there is something really wrong with me. Who the hell hears voices…DIFFERENT VOICES…and listens to them?!?!? One of them is getting louder and more violent and today she scared me. I think there’s something wrong with me.
Yesterday he asked me if I was happy now. For the entire time I didn’t have a job I kept saying that I needed purpose and organization. I believed that a job and a home would make things better – that I’d feel better. But I don’t. I’m not any happier. I still feel lost and without purpose. I don’t know what I want…to be able to work towards it. I used to! I used to want my own event center with onsite everything and a local bakery and flower shop. I wanted a house with a backyard and family gatherings. I wanted to be in Chicago. I’ve given all that up and now I don’t even have a clue as to what to do next, where to go, what to want…I’m lost…I’ve lost myself.
My self esteem is shot all to hell.
All of the blogs you see online about divorce feature women who made the decision to leave…women who chose to end things. You never hear from the woman whose husband told her that he’d rather die a horrible death alone than be miserable with her anymore and packed his stuff and left. She never tells her story.
I remember dating a guy whose family had these big 4th of July celebrations and I always wanted him to invite me. I wanted to be special enough to him that he would include me in the family gatherings. I married a man that did just that and I never appreciated it.
When I die I want my ashes scattered in the desert right outside of Albuquerque (in the direction of Las Vegas).
Every time I write or type or think about Vegas I cry.
I woke up this morning and realized that I have had everything in life that I had ever truly wanted and I pissed it away in some fashion. I used to say I wanted to have my own business but didn’t have the time. After I lost my job I definitely had the time and I didn’t do anything with it. I always wanted to travel but wanted a “partner” and then I traveled for a year and only left the hotel room when forced to. I said I wanted to live in the south and spent a month in Atlanta without even entertaining the effort to stay and make it work.
At points in my life I’ve had the opportunity to have just what I wanted and I screwed it up. That’s going to be my legacy in life…a screw up.
I’m sleeping in after the weekend doggonit.
