I had a little get together at my place last night to celebrate accomplishing some of my running goals for the year. Two of my cousins and their spouses…that was it. We had a great time telling family stories and trying new wines. The food was extra yummy too. I made a Spanish dish, Italian, and seafood.
During the party though I missed my husband. He would have made a really good addition to the group.
We’ve been separated for a year now and I still miss him so much. This December 24th will be our 5 year anniversary and I typically wouldn’t say this out loud but I still get the same butterflies as I did when we kissed for the first time.
Sometimes I consider giving up…letting go…moving on. I sometimes think to get the life I want with a family I will have to let go. And then there are times when I believe that
What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.
The minister who married us said that during the ceremony and I want to believe in it.
I miss my husband so much. The other day I wanted to call him up and ask his opinion about stem cell research because those are the types of conversations we would have in the past.
But it’s not what we talk about now. These days he talks about divorce and I…well I tell him that I still believe it can work but we’re not agreeing with the other right now.
I miss the good times. Matter of fact, I can’t get that Jackson 5 song out of my head. I’m planning a family reunion for next year and in my wildest dreams we’d be a family. Maybe even with a little person on the way. Hence the reason it’s just a dream.
Oh well….maybe I’ll find someone to discuss stem cell research with. But I know it won’t be the same as discussing it with him.
Today is day 3. If you have never lost everything then you can’t begin to imagine how it feels to want something…anything. I haven’t seen my furniture, clothes, pictures…any parts of my life in almost 3 years. It’s been under lock and key in a storage pod. All I want right now is a home….my green couch and earthy colored rug and pictures on the brightly painted walls. A home to be settled in. I still don’t have that. Do you know those little plastic cups that hotels put on the ice bucket tray? I was pouring some wine in one once…in the hotel living years…and broke down crying because I missed my wine glasses. People take wine glasses for granted but live in a hotel with a mini fridge, microwave, and sink as your kitchen and see how much you appreciate glassware.
I have an apartment but I still don’t have a home. I still am not settled. And every day I miss my husband more and more. Through all the hard times and struggling I thought we’d rebuild together. I thought that we would get back on our feet together and that we would eventually look back on the worse, sickness, and poorer while we enjoyed the good, health, and financially stable. But instead we’re apart and every time I think of having a home it saddens me to think of one without him.
I remember the beginning back in Small Town, Oregon. We were in love and mentally/emotionally/spiritually/health wise I was in such a great place in life….WE were in a great place in life. I feel like I’ll never get back to that place. Being content in a home. Sharing space with someone you feel like you can’t live without. Becoming a part of one life together. Planning a future. Exploring dreams and passions.
Diva: I wanna write this post but I’m too busy watching the good wife and being sleepy
TJ: Maybe you should watch the good wife another time and go to sleep
Diva: Oh sleep isn’t taking precedence lol. I only have 17 minutes of show left. Plus I know what I want to write about but not sure how well it’ll come out…ya know? Sometimes it just spills and sometimes it’s a struggle
Diva: I was asking if you knew what I meant. Stop ignoring me
TJ: I wasnt ignoring you. Yeah sometimes I can’t come up with anything to write and I read and still don’t find anything but sometimes I have to write several different posts because I have a lot on my mind.
Diva: I know what I wanna write about….just not how to say it I guess
TJ: What you writin about?
Diva: The fairy tale I wanted my life to be. That shit was really a fairy tale and it’s difficult to differentiate still to this day. That fairy tale will never happen.
TJ: What’s difficult to differentiate? What’s real and what’s not? What’s attainable and what’s not?
Diva: yes that….what could really happen and what’s a fairy tale
TJ: So what if you knew what was real and what was a fairy tale? What then?
Diva: You never really know what’s a fairy tale in life do you? It’s all subjective. your fairy tale coulda been a super genius husband and mutantly smart kids and a lovely house in the pacific northwest and it turned out to be reality
TJ: Nothing is perfect
Diva: But my fairy tale of a “normal” married life with Hassan living in a dream house with kids who play with their cousins is a fairy tale. Who said perfect? I didn’t use the words perfect. I don’t mean perfect by fairy tale. I mean dream world.
TJ: Well it’s not a dream world. There are plenty of imperfections.
Diva: I’m not talking perfect vs imperfect. I’m talking attainable. The definition of fairy tale is unattainable and damn near ridiculous…like a mermaid growing legs.
TJ: Well it’s never the way we imagined even if our aspirations are realistic like a man who keeps the lights on and he does that well.
Diva: Snow White didn’t imagine dwarfs either but she still got the price and the castle in the end.
TJ: I guess. Prince Charming was a bit soft. Not that I’m into roughnecks but he was a bit pretty
Diva: You are so freaking………disagreeable!
TJ: Plus Snow White had the poison apple experience
Diva: Right but she got her fairy tale ending…again I’m not saying anything about perfect. In reality her ending was unattainable. For some if your fairy tale was the uber smart then you got it. You’re in happily ever after edgy an all lol. But my fairy tale won’t never come true and on good days I sit up and still wish for it which is a waste of time because it’ll never come true. It’s like daydreaming about being a princess. If you end up marrying Prince William then BINGO you’ve hit your own personal fairy tale jackpot but the rest of us are delusional and it’s okay to be delusions about some things in life. Like wanting to be a princess.
TJ: Girl but what if the queen cuts him off and she HAS been cutting back.
Diva: But wanting what I want….is shit that requires medical assistance. He’ll always be a prince. I didn’t say anything about money just being a princess. Kate will always (unless she pulls a Fergie or Diana) be a princess. If your fairy tale was smart kids…..you hit the fairy tale jackpot…you personally.
TJ: Well I guess that we all have lost dreams to mourn
Diva: You thinkn so?
TJ: I know so. We just can’t let the mourning process last so long that we’re not open to the good things we can have in life
Diva: yeah but they won’t ever match my fairy tale. Being smart is good but it wouldn’t hold a candle to being a mermaid that grows legs if that’s what you dreamed about and by the way….this conversation is going to be the post. I’m not saying all this twice.
TJ: ok. I think you could meet a good man who would want to adopt kids. That would not be as good? Even if he treasured you?
Diva: It would be good but it would never be the same as my fairy tale
TJ: Wow that’s sad
Diva: well damn to you too
TJ: You’re trying to say if a man came along who was a good man, treated you good, did everything for you, cherished you and loved you…you’d be hangin on to some unreality?
Diva: You’re not understanding what I’m saying
TJ: ok Maybe I am not
Diva: And my reality is not centered around just a man either. Yes the kids issue is huge. Because my fairy tale wasn’t being a princess. My fairy tale was being a mommy and that started with being pregnant. After I got married my fairy tale developed into all of that with him. I am not saying that I won’t have a good life if I don’t have that particular man. I’m saying that for some….their fairy tales comes true….maybe because they are more realistic in their approach to fairy tales. Who the hell knows. But I am reaching a point now where I am forced to accept that the fairy tales I’ve been dreaming of these past few years won’t come true for me. Fairy tales are not about….if I don’t do this I’ll do that. Fairy tales are that one dream you hold on to and always hope it’ll come true.
TJ: its interesting. I mean I’ve heard of a lot of smart women who have that fairy tale but a lot of the women I knew had the opportunity to get married…no they needed to work on careers then they got married and they wanted to achieve this and that and eventually found themselves with no husband or kids but achievements. Maybe they like to complain. I’m not saying this about you. I’m just thinking out loud.
Diva: See I wasn’t one of those women. I was willing to have kids long time ago….tried plenty too. My father says that “sitting up waiting to have kids….” and that was never me. I woulda popped out Marcus’ babies as soon as we graduated but it didn’t work out that way.
TJ: That’s true
Diva: I woulda popped out Damien’s babies 10 years ago didn’t work out that way. I wasn’t extra picky about the perfect man I wanted to marry. I just wanted somebody who would treat me special…til I felt right and it just so happened that took til I was 31. And even then woulda popped out babies. TRIED to pop out babies. I know women like that too or people who think I’m like that and the same fairy tale logic applies to them. Their fairy tales are unattainable too.
TJ: Anything in life can happen…anything…except the mermaids with feet.