The rise of psychological disorders has been one of the largest health crises of the 21st century, with a vast number of new and resurgent diseases dragging down brains across the globe. One of the most prevalent is anxiety disorders and mental conditions in which the bodyís natural panic reflex kicks in under inappropriate circumstances, removing the suffererís ability to deal properly with the stresses of life. Arguably the worst of these disorders is acute anxiety disorder. The afflicted are seized by full-bore panic attacks when triggered, with quickening heartbeat, sweating, dizziness and multiple other physical indicators.

Acute anxiety disorder attacks can last from five to twenty minutes, but many sufferers can be seized by waves of attacks over the period of several hours, dropping in and out of the anxious state multiple times. The outward symptomatic display of these attacks can often lead to social stigma, which can in turn lead to additional attacks. As a result, an estimated thirty percent of acute anxiety sufferers are agoraphobic as well, avoiding the outside world for fear of public panic attacks.

If you have never suffered an anxiety attack then you don’t understand.  You think people are weird and need to just “get it together.” I got a late start this morning….later than usual.  It was around 2pm when I made it to the library to set up shop and I had what I consider a long to do list. I needed to e-mail my guest for tomorrow’s show, talk to Carla – because she’s batting a thousand on comments and questions for the guests and I wanted her input on HBCU’s, e-mail TJ – who is next week’s guest, put together some samples for a writing gig, tweet (I know you’re thinking that sounds irrelevant but it’s about brand management), reply to my mother’s THREE e-mails, be productive, work on the family tree, decide when I’m going to Tulsa, and figure out which tribal records I need to request……and that’s the short list.  I’m also working on 3 websites and the adventure seeker (insert sarcasm) in me decided to attempt building my own instead of going with pre-made templates that everyone uses. Then there is the design for the banner I need to get made for a bridal exp in April (I think I’ve got a great design for it….it came to me in the car).  Anyway…..

My regular table at the library was taken.

I settled for the table closest to it…..which put me facing in a different direction. I couldn’t see the people coming off the stairs behind me. There was an odd light shining on my screen and causing a glare.  I had close to 70 browser tabs open and at least 3 chat conversations and 2 Twitter conversations going on.  I felt out of control. There were too many tabs open. I needed to check my school e-mail for final exam results.  Are people looking at me when I play Farmville on Facebook? Are they judging me?

I got overwhelmed by browser tabs…….and not being at my table………..and I panicked.

I got hot.

I got cold.

My mind started racing.

I couldn’t breathe.

My mouth is dry.

I couldn’t touch my husband cause he wasn’t there (touch makes me feel better for some odd ass reason).

And I could feel the tears coming.

I was completely out of my comfort zone and panicking.

My first instinct was FLIGHT. I wanted to pack up all my stuff and come home BUT I hadn’t done anything productive! I was supposed to enjoy my time at the library and get lots of work done.  I CAN NOT CRY IN THE DAMN LIBRARY.  But I’m hot and the tears are coming and my heart is racing and everything’s going so fast and I can’t keep up and it’s going at super speed in my head and I CANT DO IT!

DIVA…..if you start crying in this damn library people will think you are crazy as a damn loon. BREATHE.

Inhale

WAIT

Exhale

Inhale

WAIT

Exhale

Press play on iTunes……the Rent soundtrack. There is no future. There is no past. Thank God this moment’s not the last. There’s only us. There’s only this. Forget regret. Or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today.

Breathe

I had a freaking panic attack at the damn library and forced myself to sit there in that seat and stay til 5pm……my usual time.  I wrote about it because I have to get it out of my head.  Less in my head is literally less in my head.  And I wanted to explain to people how it feels to lose control in your head and how it affects you in the mildest of places….like the public library.