Let me tell y’all what my problem is.  I think that at the age of 32 I am supposed to have a clearly defined planned destination for when I “grow up”.  That might not make a lot of sense or sound clear….so let me rephrase it.

I went to a high school with a specialized magnet program in Business.
I went to undergrad for Accounting and Finance.
I have worked in positions from Associate Financial Analyst up to Budget Director.
My goal was CFO.

I don’t want to do that.

I want to go to pastry school. I check in with the French Pastry School website daily and this past week they announced a new program.

New! L’Art du Gâteau
The Professional Cake Decorationg and Baking Program

Learn from internationally-renowned master chef instructors in L’Art du Gâteau – The Professional Cake Decorating and Baking Program at The French Pastry School. This all-inclusive, 16-week, full-time course is custom-designed to meet the needs of students who want to specialize in the prestigious art of cake baking and decorating.

This unique hands-on program focuses on all aspects involving the creation of wedding, celebration, and specialty cakes. You will receive personal attention from your chef mentors in the kitchen every day in a comfortable, yet thorough training.

For career changers, professionals, and novices, L’Art du Gâteau – The Professional Cake Decorating and Baking Program is the ideal, one-of-a-kind course to build a solid foundation of knowledge and achieve a successful career.

You will be prepared to excel in the cake industry after only 16 weeks.

I want to be in that class. Do I want to be a pastry chef? Maybe….maybe not. Not really. I don’t think I want to chain myself to the career path of a pastry chef. I just want to know how to make it do what it do.

Then there is floral design school. When (if) I get back to Chicago I am going to do site visits of the top two schools in the area. I want to be in their next class too.

You see how neither of these are really related….and definitely have nothing to do with finance?

I have a friend who started pastry school this summer and I am so excited for her….and envious at the same time. She posts the most fabulous pictures on her Facebook page and I wish it was me.

Yeah…more crossroads.

Conversations with myself:

Where do I want to live?

I liked Atlanta.  I really did.  And the groceries were so cheap!  But I missed Chicago.  I still miss Chicago.  Living in Vegas has been cheaper too.  I still miss Chicago.  Hell I miss my sister in law.  Problem is…the cost of living in Chicago is twice as much as anywhere else.

It’s hard to want to go back knowing that the rent and grocery bill is going to double immediately.

This is some bullshit.

I could live in Atlanta.  I could harrass The Original Oldgirl Ladylee.  The houses are absolutely beautiful there and I met a local wedding planner who is on the inside of the know.

Still miss my sister in law (ain’t that some shit)?

The cost of living here in Vegas is very reasonable.  But can I live here?  I don’t want to…not long term.  I want to keep Vegas as a fantasy vacation in my head.

Fly in….eat well….gamble….get pampered….drink….leave.

And why in the hell do I keep thinking about my sister in law!

A decision has to be made…..talk about being at a crossroad.

Anybody who calls themself a friend of mine and reads this blog pretty much knows that my relationship is struggling right now. That shit hurts okay. The quickest way to end our friendship is to tell me some “I told you so” bullshit. So to YOU who said it….and yes you know who you are….don’t talk to me again. We don’t have anything else to say to each other…..you made damn sure of that.

And something else…this is not easy. Deciding to end a relationship or to accept the path it’s on and continue is not as simple as choosing an ice cream flavor. I don’t think people realize that. It’s so easy for someone to offer up some advice and tell another person what they should do. But the person giving the advice isn’t me. They don’t know how I feel. They aren’t emotionally attached like I am. In the same regard, they don’t cry like I do or question their options like I do.

I truly attempt to be honest and frank in my personal spot. With that being said, bite me. You, you and you…..you three discussing my shit behind my back and offering up “helpful suggestions and advice” cause you have “my best interest at heart” can kiss my tan ass and go to hell. According to you, you all have perfect marriages and Lord knows I am so happy for you….so keep maintaining your shit and leave me to tend to my own.

You wanna know how I’m doing?

I’m hurt.
I’m upset.
I’m confused.
I’m tired.
I’m attached and connected.
I’m hopeful.

I had a conversation with myself last week about him saying “exhausting all possibilities” and I asked myself what I expected at the end of those exhausted possibilities and according to my answer, why continue. Then a friend of mine said something about herself…totally unrelated to me. Hell at the time I didn’t even know what the hell she was talking about. But today I do….and it’s seriously making me think.

Blame it on me……say it’s my fault.