I’m unsure about what my future holds.  Then again…is anyone?  And have I ever been?  I was definitely not in the know when I packed up everything and moved to Oregon…but there were different factors and circumstances.  I was moving for a helluva job opportunity.  I felt secure in that move.  Looking back on it now….I had no idea what to expect in that small town or how being so far away from anyone except TJ and my girl Audra would affect my life.  I also didn’t know what doors that job opportunity would open for me.

I thought that by doing everything I was supposed to do….I would have a clear and defined path for my future.  That’s not really how things work.

I came across an old post about McDreamy today and I remembered that back then, you couldn’t have convinced me that I’d be married right now.  So obviously the path I saw in my future at that time isn’t the one I’m on now and it’s changing as I type this.

I wasn’t sad when I left Tulsa.  Let me back up…..I tend to attach memories to physical things.  When I think about Oregon I automatically think about the beautiful community I lived in, the sandwich shop I fell in love with, the soup bistro that I would sneak off to for lunch, the Dairy Queen down the street from my house, the airport where everyone on US Airways knew me (because I was flying to Chicago and back every other weekend), the scrapbook store that I would spend hours in…and I begin to miss my house because I have associated all of those memories with the house and how comfortable I felt in it.  I didn’t have a solid plan but I wasn’t afraid.

I’m still not afraid….but all of my plans at this point in my life have fallen through.  That means that I have to make new plans.  I’m sitting here in the bed now (supposed to be grading papers) and looking at the hall to our private master bathroom and realizing that I won’t miss it when we leave.  I won’t miss the long hallway that we stayed up all night long to paint before our first fish fry.  I think a part of me never felt completely comfortable here like I did at the last place I lived and that plays a part in how I feel about leaving this one.  You can not get attached to a damn house! It’s true.  I think things like “I remember our Superbowl party…”  Well shit…it’s not like we won’t have another one and another one and another one….it just won’t be here.  That means that there are just more memories to make.

I remember Lisa telling me that if I was “brave” enough to make the move I did then I have no excuses in life.  There is no reason for me to be afraid of anything.

You want to know what I really fear?  Not having the money to do what I want in life…..not huge things like shoe shopping in Milan…nope.  Simple things like buying a house, raising children, and taking vacations to see my friends.  Before this recession I really was on some bullshit.  Now I actually contemplate “what if we end up homeless and sleeping on the streets?????”  My saving grace is Hassan.  He won’t possibly let us end up poor and homeless.  That’s what the man of the house does….he takes care of the house (right?).  My mother called me earlier this week about a Katie Couric special she saw that featured two professors here in Chicago who lost their jobs, their home, and were sleeping on the train at night for shelter.  Does anyone else fear the absolute worst in their lives in our current economic situation?  Last week a friend told me that she and her husband are a medical scare away from being destitute because her MS has been causing them some financial problems lately.  That is a reality for all of us!  Wisteria Lane is a fuckin television show.  How many people can go out tomorrow and open a damn pizza shop that will pay the mortgage AND have enough left over to bail a bad ass kid outta jail.

I wonder what is in the cards for my future…..