Last month I opened up our News & Views commentary for relationship questions.  The three of us are all in various stages of our relationships….Melette is single, I am a newlywed (10 months), and TJ is the “old pro” on the block.  She celebrated her 13th wedding anniversary this year.

In the words of Slick Rick……heeeeere we go.

Original Diva: Question #1…What advice would you give a single woman looking for a man?

Melette: My first question would be where are you looking and are you presenting yourself as a buyer?

TJ: I’d say start out with being honest with both what you have to offer and what you expect.

Melette: Exactly. And what are you looking for a man for?

Original Diva: My answer is to be available. I see too many women who are “looking” and they ain’t the least bit available…..got issues that they need to correct, or need to open up to something different.

Melette: I mean, do you need your car washed or some good lovin’

TJ: See that’s being honest with what they have to offer. Now once that point is reached then changes have to be made on both ends. You can’t be tore up from the floor up and want a turn key condo overlooking the riverfront.

Melette: Okay, I’m assuming that the woman is already addressed the areas that need improvement.

Original Diva: I see women who have the “perfect” list and that’s their version of LOOKING. Have an open mind.

TJ: I’d also say to socialize more. Get out there.

Melette: Exactly. Go to some wine tasting.

Original Diva: Go to places where the kind of man you’d like to meet would be! that’s good Sharon

Melette: Exactly. That’s one thing I had to learn. The papa john’s man is not going to bring you a date.

Original Diva: Do men really go out though? Women go to wine tastings, author signings, theatre, etc……and see more women and very few men. Here’s a question…One person asked me: “Diva…..you were looking hard for a long time. Did you settle in the method you used to meet a man?”

Melette: Settle in the method?

Original Diva: On the internet versus in person. You know folks still think meeting folks online is for losers.

Melette: Oh, okay. I think you used all the resources available to you. But that’s what I think…a closed mouth don’t get fed.

Original Diva: The thing is…..I didn’t set out cruising blogs looking for a husband. Whereas, I DID go out to places looking for a man. Sitting in Starbucks, going to open mic nights, wine tastings. I can’t compare the two. It wasn’t a “method” so I can’t say that I settled.

TJ: People meet online all of the time. People get jobs online. I think that women let their guard down because of the method used to get a guy and it sets them up for PURE FOOLISHNESS.

Original Diva: TJ…….what advice would you give a new couple…..since you’ve been married forever.

TJ: hmmm….I’d say to listen and pray and pray. Learn the person. Learn his/her communication style. How he or she shows affection and be open to that for what it is not what you think it should be. There is nothing wrong with catering to your husband. NOTHING! Teach each other how to treat you. Don’t say “Don’t do that” and put up with that. There is also nothing wrong with catering to your wife.

Original Diva: Next questions: “You all said something different about having sex before marriage. How much of your sexual history to you tell a man and when?”

TJ: That’s a good question.

Original Diva: I don’t think I ever said anything about telling folks HISTORY!

Melette: As long as you are clean, I say none. It’s history. You ain’t the first so keep it movin’

Original Diva: Talk begins with “When do you want us to go get tested?”

TJ: Yes. I think that anybody anticipating a new sexual partner needs to have the discussion about testing and status.

Original Diva: and follows with “while we’re having sex….we’ll use condoms so that neither of us will put the other at risk”, a discussion about expectations, are y’all going to be just sexing each other or are you still sleeping with other people too, what’s a deal breaker for you in the bedroom, what I will and won’t do, what not to even try, all present issues…….no history.

Original Diva: Follow up question…..how do you ask a man if he’s ever had sex with another man. My answer….JUST LIKE THAT!

TJ: If a person is in a serious relationship and the person asks him/her how many partners, there should be honesty there.

Melette: Just like that.

TJ: STRAIGHT UP

Original Diva: Wait TJ…..did you just say that if the partner asks how many people you’ve had sex with, you should tell them?

Melette: I was going to go back to that.

TJ: If you are in a serious relationship that you want to go further, why not?

Original Diva: Why? What does it matter?

TJ: Not how and where. Well some people really want to know. I’d ask in return.

Original Diva: What impact does it have on our relationship?

TJ: Well I don’t know. It doesn’t have any. But if somebody feels PRESSED to ask the question, just give a number.

Melette: I’m not telling. It’s irrelevant.

Original Diva: If somebody feels pressed to ask the question then I’m not in a serious relationship with the right person

Melette: EXACTLY!!!

Original Diva: Cause whether you take the trash out promptly is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than how many chicks you got a piece of before me.

TJ: I dont know. I’m gonna waffle on that.

Melette: LOL @ Diva!!! You are stupid.

Original Diva: Girl please….THAT shit is important. The chick that could put her leg behind her head? IRRELEVANT!

TJ: LOLOLOL. See I said a number. I aint say nothin about who was double jointed…Who could hit it hard doggystyle…or whatever.

Original Diva: I’m just saying…shit…asking me no damn numbers
Okay……..does it get hard to keep your sex life spiced up after you get married?

TJ: No

Original Diva: TJ let me ask you this…..I’m much more reluctant to talk about my sex life with a HUSBAND than I was with anybody else.

TJ: I wouldn’t say it’s hard….Calculus is hard…fuzzy handcuffs aint

Original Diva: See…..I ain’t trying to tell nobody if me and mine got fuzzy handcuffs. I feel like it should be more “discreet” for married folks.

Melette: Me too. Cause it ain’t none of anybody’s business.

Original Diva: But I didn’t mind talking about it before.

Melette: Cause it wasn’t important.

Original Diva: hmmmm that’s interesting.

TJ: I was always pretty discreet. When I was single aint nobody know what was goin down. And now that I’m married they know I got four kids and that’s about it. So it’s like, we know they’ve done it at least four times.

Original Diva: Melette…..”do you think that any of your “deal breakers” are keeping you single? I feel like if I would settle on some things, I’d get more dates.”
I hate the word settle

Melette: They might be but I’m cool with that.

Original Diva: How bout re-prioritize.

Melette: Still the same thing. Settling is settling.

Original Diva: I still disagree dammit. Settling is giving up on something……..maybe that shit just isn’t important to you anymore.

TJ: Then that IS reprioritizing, but the chick who asked used the word settle.

Original Diva: And obviously her ass needs some guidance……cause otherwise she wouldn’t be asking complete damn strangers for advice.

Melette: For me settling is dating a man that’s not a christian

Original Diva: Wow….that would be settling for you. Now give us an example of something that you consider substantial…..but you could possibly change your mind about. Oh, I might change my mind about a dude with children if I was about 40.

Original Diva: Melette, would you date a man who had dated one of your friends?

Melette: Yeah. Why not? If they are over and enough time has passed and he makes me tingle, I sure would.

Original Diva: What’s enough time?

TJ: Even if he has an outstanding BDR?

Melette: BDR?

TJ: Bad Dick Report?

Melette: Oh, hell no. Enough time is maybe a year or two.

Original Diva: A YEAR OR TWO! wow I was thinking 6 months.

Melette: Yeah, that’s the standard but she is a friend. I would give her an extra 6 months.

Original Diva: You’re a good friend. I don’t have any friends that I care about that much. Either I’mma date him or not. I wouldn’t date TJ’s husband. But if she was dating Jerome Bettis and it ain’t work. I’d be 4 months pregnant by the time she knew it.

Original Diva: Here’s a question……..is bad sex a deal breaker?

Melette: Nope because just about everybody is teachable

Original Diva: My answer is no……cause you can work on it. Question for you two…….how would you react if “your man” wanted you to change something about yourself?

TJ: Depends on what it is…

Melette: It depends on what day of the week it is. I would take it under advisement if it was something minor.

TJ: Yeah. No plastic surgery

Melette: Exactly. No long weaves, but i might put on a wig given the right incentive.

Original Diva: He tells you that he wants you to lose weight

TJ: Depends on the day I’m having

Melette: I would consider that.

TJ: good day = maybe I’ll add to my workout
bad day= let’s just not go there.

Original Diva: Does the romance get old?

Melette: I wouldn’t know.

Original Diva: YOU KNOW WHAT…..TJ said something earlier that hit me like a fuckin brick
she said appreciating the way he shows affection. I could sit over here all day talking about what I don’t get in the romance area….no flowers, no hugs every day or shit like that. BUT when my laptop died…..he bought me another one. When I needed another truck…..he bought me another one with remote start. You know why? CAUSE HE AIN’T WANT ME SITTING IN A COLD CAR IN THE WINTER. His kind of affection. That was good TJ. That was real good.

Melette: roses or a new dell? I’m going to go with a new dell. It’s your kind of romance. Who defines what romance is in your relationship.

Original Diva: TJ hit that one on the damn head

Melette: EXACTLY!!!

Melette: What about your marriages make you the happiest?

Original Diva: Being together makes me the happiest…..the times when we are just together….nothing more. Sitting on the couch watching football, snuggling at night, cooking dinner
just being with him.

Melette: cool

TJ: I think having somebody who understands me (sometimes more than I’d like to admit) and who I can understand too.

Melette: That’s what’s up.

Original Diva: What’s the biggest issue you have being married?

TJ: The biggest issue for me has been choosing my battles. I’ve let stuff go as time goes on. But when stuff is happening, it all seems important and it all seems like it needs to be addressed immediately, but it isn’t, and it doesn’t.

Original Diva: Question for Diva: You slept with a married man before, would you forgive your husband if he cheated?

Melette: Damn.

Original Diva: Before I got married I would have said yes. I had different beliefs about cheating, but it’s different with him. Because it’s about more than cheating. If he cheats it would mean that wasn’t putting anymore effort into us.

TJ: There are different kinds of cheating. I’ve seen people who basically have a spouse at the office

Original Diva: Old question from college: what constitutes cheating to you?

TJ: I think that cheating is when you form a bond with somebody that’s inappropriate to your relationship. Like you have a coworker who knows more about your kid than your husband cause y’all always at lunch.

Original Diva: Okay…..any final words to the ladies out there reading?

TJ: I hope I was of some help. Good luck!

Melette: be honest with yourself and then be honest with men.

TJ: Love yourself. Value yourself. You may have fewer dates, but they will have much higher quality

Original Diva: My last words are to not let bitter women and friends have any influence over what you already know.