Last week on the train ride back to the city, I sat across from a co-worker that I ride with and usually have friendly conversation. According to him there aren’t many black people at work so apparently we have a new bond. This particular afternoon we were talking about being married and the beginning adjustment period. He and his wife have been married 2 years now and have a 6 month old baby girl. He told me about the first big blow up they had……he was married and still living single.
You see, when WE (women) get married, we expect a certain change from how things operated when we were just dating. A girlfriend and boyfriend are two individuals who are trying to bring it together but STILL operate as individuals. Each person makes decisions based on their own best interests alone. But a married couple is a unit…a team. So when each person is making a decision, it should be with the team in mind.
I hear that men have the most problem making that particular transition when they first get married.
So my co-worker was telling me that even though they were married, he was still spending all of his spare time with his “boys” and brothers instead of his wife. Hanging with the boys was his top priority. When he made choices it was always with himself and his boys as the deciding factor. He said that when he finally stopped and looked back on it……when he mentioned plans to his wife, or talked to her about an upcoming activity…..it was always mixed in with “the boys” or his brothers…..I believe he said that he had 3 brothers. So he didn’t put forth the concerted effort to take his wife to a movie unless his brother wanted to go see a movie. Basically his wife was an afterthought.
Until she snapped….
One day she sat him down and went completely off on his ass and explained to him that he wasn’t married…he was living single with “his boys” and their TEAM wasn’t his main focus in life. She also told him that if he was happy living that single life then she’d leave. You see men, we get married to be a part of a COUPLE. If we wanted to be alone then we’d stay alone. So when you act like you’re still a bachelor….most women will give you that opportunity. My co-worker said that when he finally got his act together he found out that his wife had found and apartment and put down a deposit to move in. He was so busy being single he didn’t see that he was neglecting being married.
Obviously he got his act together because they’re still married. He said that he took a step back and really focused on where his priorities SHOULD be. He started focusing on being a husband and part of a team. Everything stopped being about his “boys”.
My cousin had the same complaint when she first got married. Nothing has changed and it is still one of the big sore spots that she has with her husband. He is more concerned with being with his boys than her. I’ve heard that from her for at least 5 years now. My cousin’s husband will be out with “the boys” and stop for a nice meal without even once considering what his wife and children will be doing for dinner. He makes plans and then AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT attempts to include her. It amazes me to have heard my co-worker admit to doing the same thing.
Wives are not an afterthought.
Category: Married Diva
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I think that it takes a great leap of faith to become a part of a person. To join one’s life with someone else’s. Where you can’t front or hide anything. Real intimacy scares a lot of people, men and women.
That is so true. My X was married and living single. His money was his, what he wanted he got, and his cheating wasn’t cheating. Even when I thought that I was doing it for the “Team of Us”, he would be doing it for the “Team of Him”…we separated, I got my own apartment, and he went to live with Her. Then one day he thought that he could try our marriage one more time. He wouldn’t commit to a reuniting of us, buying a home, or come on time when date night was scheduled. We divorced last year, and he married HER. She deserves him really. Well, he again decided that he wants me back in his life earlier this year. He is doing the same thing all over again. I know that it is wrong, but he doesn’t think that. Sometimes you will be confronted by a strange ass Negro who doesn’t know what he wants. He will never understand that he needs to grow up and learn that being married is more than being trapped. It is about being loved, establishing a home, and being a loving companion for life. F’ck the dumb ish!
That’s why some folks shouldn’t be married.
It’s an adjustment.
I think the biggest problem is that when men get married, they feel that their wives won’t be going anywhere. They can relax and just enjoy life. Unfortunately, that doesn’t translate into “make this bond stronger with wife” because they feel that in order to get married, that bond is already strong. Sometimes you just have to point out the poor assumption and then see if it works out. Not in a nagging “You’re always with your boys kinda way” but in a “this is still new, we have work left to do in developing our marriage”. This is toughest for couples who have been together the longest or have never really had conflicts. The husband sees it as the wife changing into a nag and the wife sees it as the husband refusing to grow up. See this is why relationships suck!
speaking as a husband for the second time, I have always believed it important that the transition from one of the boys to being THE man of the house start BEFORE “i do”. for all those women on the path to marital bliss….you would do well to understand that most men who dont start the transition BEFORE “I do” wont start it after either.
Well damn Inkognegro….just take away hope from the hopeless why don’t ya….
See…behind closed doors, TJ said that some men have to wake up to being married. That the light bulb goes off one day (hopefully before the judge grants the divorce) and he thinks “damn….I need to be with my wife instead of my boys.”
Hmmmmmm
Interesting. However, I can understand inkognegro’s point. If you let a dude treat you like an option and not a priority your entire relationship why would that change all of a sudden because you jumped the broom? Good post.
I am taking notes.