The year was 2001 and it was my first year actively involved with the sorority’s alumnae chapter in Tulsa.  I was going to attend my first regional conference.  One of the sorors called me and while we were talking I asked about attire and she mentioned that I would need a formal.  I was young, clueless, and had only been working for a few months.  Not only that but I was on the awards committee and would DEFINITELY be seen during the awards banquet!  What was I to do?  She suggested that I borrow something of hers because we were “about the same size.”  She ended up lending me a beaded two piece outift and I wore the top with a pair of black satin pajama pants because 1) they were sexy and 2) the skirt was too big for me. I think I pulled it off and I was definitely prepared for future conferences.

That woman, at the time, wore a size 30 and has since gotten bigger. And she said that we were about the same size. At my heaviest I wore a 24 and would purchase a size 26 to hide beneath. I let that one conversation shape the way I view myself. Every time I look(ed) in the mirror I see/saw her. To this day I still think I should automatically try on a 24 first to make sure it doesn’t fit before reaching for an 18. Yes 18. I still try on an 18 and a 16 and have to be talked into buying the 16. That conversation skewed and scarred the way I see myself physically. When I look at my arms, I see her arms. When I walk, I imagine her walking. I work out so hard because I think that no matter how hard I work or what I do I’ll always be about her size. True I started eating better to be healthy. I started working out to lose weight for my fantasy body. But I go to the extreme sometimes. I have gone through periods when I went to the gym and did 2 hours of cardio for 6 days a week. I break myself trying to break that image of how I see myself. I know that I’m pretty on the outside (face wise) but I’m pretty shocked when people think I look good overall. Sometimes even skeptical that they can view me as attractive because after all, I am about her size.

The other day Chele wrote a post about letting go of the past that was inspired by Hassan’s post (which brought tears to my eyes because he writes so beautifully). Our past truly does not control who we are today or who we will become….and we can’t let it. That of course is always easier said than done. So that is one of my newest goals for myself right now. I want to change the way I see myself and accept what I am presently instead of holding on to an image I created 6 years ago.