19. I met Trisha Yearwood once. She is my absolute favorite country singer. I know that I play alot of Reba but Trisha comes first. I was working part time at Barnes & Noble and she and Garth Brooks came in one night to shop. Everyone knew that I was in love with her and she was next in my line to check out. Then the ass over in music who hated me shouted out “I can help you over here.” I quit the next morning. I was so close to cutting him with kitchen scissors that I knew it was a bad place for me to be.

She’s in Love with the Boy is the first country song I ever liked and attempted to sing. All of my friends back then told me that I had too much soul to sing country. It didn’t stop me then and it doesn’t now.

20. The only reason I ever started a blog is because my sorority sister had one. She kept talking about the blogs she would write and the people that would comment on it….the amount of people that were reading it. I originally thought about starting one to document all my sexual exploits. By the way, celibacy is easy when you don’t have the option. This is actually my third blog. The first one was like busting my blog cherry. Pretty soon after that I heard about blogsome and it’s better features. So I moved myself over here and went on a mission to get a bunch of readers. A bunch to me at that time was 50. I wanted readers and comments and everything that other people had. The problem with that was that my writing wasn’t true to myself. I was overly conservative trying to maintain an image. I wrote about what I thought they wanted to read and in the tone that they would expect. Yeah that shit got old. So in December I called it quits. But I missed blogging. I missed writing and having an audience to read it. I missed expressing myself more than anything. So I created this blog just to write. I knew that I wanted to always remain anonymous and then I wouldn’t be pressed to worry about other peoples’ opinions of me. Hell I didn’t even allow comments for the first month or so. I still try to remain anonymous to an extent. I want to always be free to say whatever is on my mind and in the way that I choose. Next week I’m going to talk about boys being circumcised, oral sex, and the expectations of customer service. Nobody has to read if they don’t want to. I’m comfortable here and I intend to keep it that way, regardless of what y’all think of me. I can log on and type that I want a certain man to lick me until I sweat and think nothing of it.

The funny thing is that before, when all I wanted was some popularity, I was only getting 20 or so hits a day. But now that I write just for me, I have a damn following. LOL

*BONUS*

21. I learned how to make gumbo from a Que out of Lake Charles, Louisiana. He graduated from Gram (shout out T!) with my cousin back in 90. I decided that I wanted to make some during my senior year at Langston (9 years later) for my annual superbowl party. I make the best damn gumbo…..chicken, sausage, shrimp, crab legs, tomatoes, okra…..all over some rice with a loaf of hot french bread and a bottle of wine. Dammit! I’m going to be making a pot for New Year’s Day and definitely freeze some stock for my superbowl party.

22. I play classical violin as a hobby. I began playing in the 4th grade because everyone had to participate in music class. I took to the violin. By the 5th grade I was miserable but my mother decided that as much as that violin cost her I was going to practice when I was supposed to and play that damn thing.

So now I maintain my own instrument and the associated costs. I recently signed up for lessons at a local music center. Everything past junior high has been self taught. I’m ready for the next level.

23. One summer I read all of the children/young adult books in the local library. They wouldn’t let me participate in the summer reading program anymore after because not only was there nothing left for me to read, but I kept winning every year. I read like some people eat…..for sustenance and as often as possible.

24. I was stalked by a man who lived in my apartment complex. He saw me in the parking lot one day and decided that he was attracted to me. He began watching me until he was an expert on my schedule. I would come home to find him waiting for me on the porch….sitting in my lawn chairs. One morning he knocked on my door and announced that it was his birthday and all he wanted was to eat me.

I complained to the management and all they offered was to put me into a new apartment. So I took that as a sign to solve the problem myself. I had my cousins talk to him when he showed up on my porch one day. The next day I came home and he was sitting on my porch, in my lawn chair, cleaning his knife. Then he left a note IN my car. My LOCKED car. That’s when I went to the police and filed a motion for an order of protection. He was eventually picked up and kicked out of the complex.

I started having problems coming up with facts and stories because I’m so open I have told my readers so much about myself already. So I turned to my Ruff Ryders for help.

13. My paternal grandmother didn’t think that I dressed feminine as a child. My mother put me in lots of pants and jumper dresses. Hell I was climbing trees and reading books. When we went to church my mother would put me in a nice AFFORDABLE sundress. Poor folks had to go with what was affordable. So my grandmother had an idea of what was feminine and what I needed to look like a little girl. So one day these dresses full of lace and bows showed up. You know the dresses…..the ones that little Mexican girls wear to the grocery store with Keds on. Yessireebob. My grandmother sent me a purple and a red big puffy frilly ass mexican lace dress as a gift.

Just like these……

And wait….the red one had freaking bells underneath the lace. Picture me as toddler diva standing in the closet with this hideous ass dress hanging up, shaking it to hear the bells ring. I couldn’t climb a dress in that! BELLS DAMMIT. I cried for days.

14. I planned my first wedding when I was a junior in college. I was working down at the BSU volunteering my time doing paperwork. By then everyone knew I was creative. I was always putting together craft fairs and seminars for my sorority. A young couple came in for pre-marital counseling and the pastor recommended that they speak to me. She said that I was very talented and could help them. It was like planning a workshop and a party at the same time. I had so much fun. After that the university asked me to help them coordinate a few fundraising balls. Y’all know I worked for free because I didn’t know any better right? I continued doing these types of events; fundraisers, dances, luncheons, pageants, weddings, etc… One day I was sitting at home watching one of those style network shows where they show people planning large scale events and something clicked to me. I should be getting paid for this. The first thing I did was research the event planning industry. Then I wrote myself a business plan and consulated a banker. Once I decided that I could do it, I told everyone in the sorority and all of the people I had done events for that I was going into business for myself and would begin charging. I really was expecting some of them to chuckle and kick rocks, but they were very supportive and paid me. Soon after that I realized how good I was. So for the last 4 years I have been steadily increasing the profile of my clientele and the class of event I do.

15. T told me to talk about how someone as creative as myself ended up with a career in finance. Finance people tend to be about dark colored suits and numbers, which you are not. I was the VP in the student chapter of the National Association of Black Accountants. I used to wear things like plum pants suits with lime green blouses and my hair was super short and dyed platinum blonde. Not your typical accountant. Well when I was in high school I knew that I was good with numbers. I took bookkeeping classes and was actually enrolled in the Business magnet program at my high school in Texas. Business was what I had my eyes on…..and it paid well. I either wanted to be an attorney or an investment banker. That is where the money was so why not go for it. But T is right, I was never able to conform when it came to my personal style. Hell I used to be a 60’s throwback child during the casual meetings; bell bottoms with hearts embroidered on the sides with a matching swing jacket. I didn’t know anything about planning events then, remember I just said that I was working for free! So I stuck with what I knew….numbers.

Some days I still want to be an attorney. I think I would make an awesome corporate attorney. But then again I feel the same way about being in finance. Although I absolutely love planning events and want to be the next Oprah version of Martha Stewart, it is very easy to envision myself in a power suit sitting in a corner office making decisions and recommendations about mergers and acquisitions and then serving as a visiting professor at a large ivy league university to teach them about the corporate world.

16. I have dated a rainbow of ethnicities. Most people would say “outside of their race”, but I’m black, white, and native american…….so I guess I’d be safe saying that I have dated outside of my races. My first non-black boyfriend was a cutie pie named Michael in the 8th grade. Just as white as he could be and a sweetheart. I have dated Columbians, Italians, Koreans, Blacks, and average run of the mill Whites. I am an equal opportunity dater. WARNING: SWEEPING GENERALIZATION APPROACHING! My experience with black men has always had issues when it comes to timeliness. Y’all are going to have to do better about being on time. Just this past weekend I ended up being 90 minutes late to the company Christmas party waiting on my date to come in from out of town. He was supposed to be here at 5 to get dressed and give us time to be there by 6:30. He didn’t get here until 7:45.

17. I have already chosen my childrens’ names. My daughter’s name will be Imani Tehya Dawand. We all know Imani means FAITH. I love that. Do you realize how much faith it takes to believe that you will be blessed enough to bear a child? Or how much faith it will take to raise one! Tehya is Native American for PRECIOUS. Don’t act like you don’t recognize! Dawand is my cousin’s middle name; J-Boogie’s mother. J-Boogie has my middle name and I feel it’s only right to turn that around and do the same.

My son’s name will be Yusef Edward. Yusef is Hebrew for God Shall Multiply. I love that name! Edward is my pseudo dad’s name. I don’t think there is a better man to name my child after than the one that took me as his own.

18. My father broke the middle finger on my right hand when I was a child. Back in those days the kids could still ride in the bottom of the cart. My mother and I had a system. When she stopped I would play karate on the floor and she would announce when she was starting back up and I would stop. My father didn’t have that same understanding. He stopped, I played karate, and he started without making any announcements…..ran my finger over. My mother says that he screamed and cried louder than I did. They left the groceries right there and rushed me to the emergency room. The finger was broken and the nail came completely off. To this day my finger is still slightly crooked and the nail grows curved in instead of straight.

7. Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year. I feel like everyone in the world is celebrating my birthday. LOL When I first moved into my apartment I was the only person decorating the outside. I even put lights on the trees directly in front of my gate. Everyone laughed at me and said that I was brighter than downtown but now every joker around here has lights up, including in the trees and bushes. I raised the bar.

Does anyone remember the movie Beat Street? I didn’t know that film was directed by Stan Lathan. He’s been around for a good long minute.

8. I learned how to play spades before I could even read. My parents were young parents and they used to throw some hellafied parties. You’ve seen movies with scenes set in the 70’s and the parents would have a party going on with the card/dominoes table set up and the little kid would be peeking around the corner, sneaking around to see what’s going on. That little kid was me. Well one night I climbed up in my daddy’s lap (I was such a daddy’s girl) and loudly asked, “Daddy……how come you got all the red cards?” He whooped my ass! Then he sat me back in his lap and taught me how to play the game; in between me asking “how you spell king? whassa king? whyitsaman?”

I am a spades wizard! In college my partner was a chick from Dallas. We beat the hell out of everybody. There was a pair of cousins from California. The score was 300 something to 7. They just quit right then. I miss good ole spades games.

9. I love writing stories. The first short story that I wrote was for an 8th grade assignment. My story was about an old west town full of women with the exception of 2 men left in town. The other men had all left to go fight in a war or something. It was great. My mother’s favorite short story is one I wrote in college about a young sista who was working as a model at a diverse modeling agency full of a variety of ethnicities. Her brother was a drug addict and broke in her house to steal from her. While he was there he attacked her and she turned away from the modeling world. The title of it is Mahogany. She wants me to develop it into a full fledged novel but I’m not sure I have the chops to make that happen. I’d like to do a story about an event planner who gets stalked be the security guard of one of her famous clients. Something with normal people who aren’t gangstas, in jail, or ho’in around.

10. The reason I became so health conscious a few years ago is because I wanted to get in good enough shape to be a stripper. Not a career change. I figured it was a good goal to have….a stripper’s body. And when I got to that point I was going to go to a spot in Chicago that does an amateur night once a month. So I started working out and eating much healthier. That’s also my reason for joining the pilates class. I figured I would need the flexibility for my pole routine. Seriously. Now I stay in pilates purely for sex. I’m always scheming on how to use the moves we do in class in the bedroom and it has strengthened my core and flexibility. Let me tell you, when you can balance on your tail bone and hold your legs open in a “V” at the ankles then you can do some things. So that’s my grand fitness confession. Being healthy and living a long life (while fabulous reasons) is not what keeps me on the eliptical and in the advanced pilates class. The whole time I’m at the gym busting my ass I have a playlist on my ipod of songs that are made just for stripping. Next year is my year. I’m going to get in good enough shape to strip while I’m 30.

11. In the 5th grade I was on my school’s first jump rope team. Yes that’s right…..we jumped rope with choreography and music back in 1986. Our winning routine was one with empty cans that we would put beans in and shake to Gloria Estafan. Our PE teacher/coach was puerto rican….so most of our routines were to Gloria Estafan. LOL She was the Texas versian of Rosie Perez! But I can’t double dutch to save my life! I was on the team to provide the trick factor. Stop jumping in mid routine, tie a knot in my rope, and twirl it like a cowgirl and clap while everyone else jumped on beat and sang Deep in the Heart of Texas. The stars at night, are big and bright, (clap, clap, clap, clap) deep in the heart of Texas.

12. Growing up I could never go any further than the end of the driveway. Yeah…overprotective parents. I was talking to my father yesterday and he said that the one time they let me go across the street apparently I sprouted out and almost got hit by a car. According to him he was so scared that he couldn’t even spank me. My one chance at freedom and 1) I was too young to even remember it and 2) I fooled around and messed it up.

Now while this may sound funny to some people, I can’t roller skate or ride a bike. Imagine trying to learn how to skate on the grassy front yard. Or watching kids ride their bikes up and down the street on a Saturday while you sit in a tree in the front yard reading a book. I got over it eventually but don’t expect me to reminisce with you over old school skating parties. I was always the one sitting at the cake table waving.

Act 1 ~

1. As a baby, Flashlight by Parliament, was my favorite song. Any time it came on the radio I would bounce up and down and get my boogie on. Even today when the song comes on I can’t help myself. I have to get my dance on. Everyone knows the song, sing along with me.

Flash Light
Now, I lay me down to sleep
Ooh, I just can’t find a beat
Flash light (ohh, I will never dance)
Flash light
Oh, it’s no use
Flash light
Red light
Neon light
Ooh, stop light
Now I lay me down to sleep
I guess I’ll go count the sheep
Oh, but I will never dance
Everybody’s got a little light under the sun
Under the sun
Under the sun
Under the suuuuuuuuuuuuun

2. I’ve dated someone on the Dallas Cowboys roster before. I won’t tell you who though. I will say that he is a complete and absolute sweetheart. I met him at a church function in Dallas and he took me out to dinner. He’s very spiritual and upstanding. We just didn’t click well. I’d love to hang out with him again….but just as a friend. If I’m going to date a football player then I want some spark.

And let me tell everybody out there a little something about growing up in Texas. Yes all Texans are obsessed with football. Yes all little girls want to grow up and become Cowboy Cheerleaders. Yes we all owned a little pair of those white boots. Yes we get along with our Mexicans. Yes the women are just as liable to ride dirty as the men. Yes everything is bigger and better in Texas!

3. My favorite color is purple.

Royalty and Spirituality: Purple is royalty. A mysterious color, purple is associated with both nobility and spirituality. The opposites of hot red and cool blue combine to create this intriguing color.

Nature of Purple: Purple has a special, almost sacred place in nature: lavender, orchid, lilac, and violet flowers are often delicate and considered precious. Because purple is derived from the mixing of a strong warm and strong cool color it has both warm and cool properties. A purple room can boost a child’s imagination or an artist’s creativity. Too much purple, like blue, could result in moodiness.

Culture of Purple:
The color of mourning for widows in Thailand, purple was the favorite color of Egypt’s Cleopatra. It has been traditionally associated with royalty in many cultures. Purple robes were worn by royalty and people of authority or high rank. The Purple Heart is a U.S. Military decoration given to soldiers wounded in battle.

Every summer my mother would paint my room and every year I would beg her to paint it purple. She said that was too hard to cover up so the answer was always no. My room was 50 million shades of yellow and pink but never purple. I’m grown now, the walls may not be purple but dammit everything else is….the curtains, rug, comforter set, and usually the sheets.

4. Tulips are my favorite flower.

Tulips originated as a wildflower in Persia. In the 1500s, tulips were extensively cultivated in Turkey. Based on their resemblance to the “tulbend,” a turban worn by Turkish men, they were called tulipan. In 1562, tulip bulbs from Constantinople reached Antwerp by ship. Before the turn of the century, tulips had been so rare that only the wealthiest that in Holland could afford them. It was for this reason that tulips became an obvious status symbol for the rich. By the 1620s, merchants the world over began buying and selling tulips. “Tulip madness” was the result. Tulip trading crashed in 1637, throwing Holland into financial ruin. The Dutch government enacted strict laws for cultivating and selling bulbs, and, appropriately, the tulip became the national emblem of Holland.

Legend tells of a Persian youth, named Ferhad, who fell in love with a young woman named Shirin. She did not reciprocate his feelings for her, so he went out into the desert to die, presumably from a broken heart. As his heart ached, his tears fell into the sand and turned into beautiful tulips. Amongst the Persians, the tulip is an offering a young man makes to his beloved. What he is saying in the Language of Flowers is “as the redness of this flower, I am on fire with love.” Shortly after World War II, the Dutch shipped hundreds of thousands of tulip bulbs to Ottawa, the capital of Canada. This symbolic gesture showed their thanks to the Canadian soldiers for freeing Holland from German occupation, and also the way Canada’s government welcomed Queen Maria to remain in Ottawa while the during the war.

Color messages abound with tulips which primarily express a declaration of love in a gift from a lover. Variegated tulips are for “beautiful eyes.” Red tulips indicate an irresistible love, and yellow tulips indicate hopeless love that has no chance of reconciliation. Tulips that are combined in color express other messages, Red and yellow tulips together are an expression of congratulations, while yellow and orange tulips together imply passionate thoughts. Red and white tulips signify unity.

5. When I was 4 years old I made up a 3 act play. No one can remember what it was about but apparently I entertained all the visiting relatives with it. There were even costume changes and narration. Of course the narration was me shouting from the next room what was about to happen next. That natural talent of mine is strong. In the 8th grade I joined the drama club. I was cast as a dramatic lead after bringing the group to tears during a practice exercise. We had to play the role of someone grieving over a casket. I was so good that people had to leave the room to compose themselves. I have always been able to cry on demand. Maybe I should be on broadway. What do y’all think? They could revitalize The Wiz and cast me as Dorothy.

6. I have sang in the church since I was a child. I’ve never been part of the choir though. I’ve always been a member of a small group or a soloist. In college I sang lead in a trio. Now I only sing on request. Every time I go visit my old home church in Dallas the pastor calls on me to sing My Soul is Anchored. And my sister requests that I sing an intro for her when she goes to different churches to sing. The problem is that she usually makes that demand from the pulpit while I’m sitting there waiting to hear her speak. I’ve learned to anticipate it now. She likes to hear me sing Be Blessed or I Won’t Complain. She is a phenomenal evangelist so I love singing for her.