Everyone pretty much knows the verse of the bible that says:

When I was a child
I spoke as a child
When I became a man
I put childish things away.

And actually Ms. Tee had a similar post yesterday about beginning to identify with sitcom parents as she gets older instead of the kids. Well that is what is on my mind right now. Like my sista Beloved, I’m a grown azz woman. I’ve got grown azz woman problems, grown azz woman bills, grown azz woman reactions, and now I’m developing grown azz woman understandings. (You know grandmama used to say “just keep on living.”) And while grieving through music I came across so many songs that I loved before my time. I say before my time because I knew what they were saying but didn’t UNDERSTAND them like I do now. It’s a journey of progression.

And I am telling you
I’m not going
You’re the best man I’ll ever know
There’s no way I can ever go
No no no way
I’m living without you
I’m not living without you
I don’t wanna be free
I’m staying
I’m staying
And you
And you
You’re gonna love me
Jennifer.Holiday ~ And I Am Telling You

I loved this song because of the power it had. The way that sister J. Holiday sang it with all of her being and soul. But I didn’t understand that it was more than a love song. She wasn’t just telling that man that she loved him, she was begging him to stay because he was the best man she’d ever have. He accepted her for what she was and appreciated her for it. He showed her how she wanted to be treated and loved even though she never knew it herself. Do you know how hard it is to just walk away from the man who loved you like you didn’t even know you deserved to be loved? The power in her voice isn’t just soul….it’s heart (and fear). It’s saying that this is the BEST I’ve ever had and you can’t take it away……I can’t not have it.

…And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever
Ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh how do I live
Trisha.Yearwood ~ How Do I Live

This song really expresses the same type of sentiment. I think that alot of times, people on the outside of your situation can so easily dismiss your emotions for someone without realizing that it doesn’t take a big hole to break your heart.
*sidenote: And you don’t get mad at your friends for not understanding why you just can’t bring yourself to move on immediately or just “get over it”. And T if you kept reading anyway, I still love you. I’m just not there yet.

It’s not very easy
Living all alone
My friends try and tell me
Find a man of my own
But each time I try
I just break down and cry
Cause I’d rather be home
Feeling blue
So I’m saving all my love for you
Whitney.Houston ~ Saving All My Love

Okay so there is a theme in my level of understanding. I guess now would be a good time to let you know that my all time favorite love song has always been As We Lay by Roberta.Flack. I have a friend who is much older than me and she swears that I was born 20 years too late to be in love with a song about a woman laying up with another woman’s man. What can I say?

But this is another song to like….but late to understand. Truth be told I always thought how skanky of her. Now I can acknowledge that she’s in love and it’s hard for her just let go of it. I’m not saying that it’s right…..this isn’t a post of judgement. I can never judge anyone for anything…..but now I understand what the song is about. See, most good songs (excluding today’s crap) was about so much more than just the words it said. Let’s keep looking.

Time on my hands
Since you been away boy
I ain’t got no plans
No no no no
And the sound of the rain
Against my window pane
Is slowly
Is slowly driving me insane
Boy
I’m going down
I’m going down
Cause you ain’t around
Baby
My whole world’s upside down

Sleep don’t come easy
Boy please believe me
Since you been gone
Everything’s going wrong
Why you have to say goodbye
Look what you done to me
I can’t stop these tears from falling from my eyes
Oooh baby
I’m going down
I’m going down
Cause you ain’t around
Baby
My whole world’s upside down
Mary.J.Blige ~ Going Down

Do you know how it feels to be sitting at home with nothing to do to take your mind off of him? Nothing to occupy your time so that you don’t miss him anymore? Man! And trying to lay down and sleep at night when all you can do is hold the pillow close, smelling his left over cologne and remembering him laying there beside you. Damn.

Cause the sex was good
You had my mind
And I let you come back every time
You would violate and cross the line
And you knew that I would be the type to
Always wait so patiently
Thinking you was coming home to me
Well I
Damn I never heard the keys
Or felt your taps saying are you sleep
Mary.J.Blige ~ Enough Cryin

A HA! Leave it to MJB to have a new song that I can put in here with my classics for understanding. A song not about how good the love was or how much she’s missing the man. NO! A song about how stupid she felt for falling for it. How dumb she felt for going along with the insanity for so long. You know how you see a woman in a bad situation and instantaneously jump to the conclusion that she’s just dumb and you wouldn’t do that. Don’t lie…we all do it. Put yourselves in her shoes. Imagine knowing that you’re the dumb one and wanting to have that expected black woman response of getting mad/cussing folks out/cutting it off at the knees but feeling weak because you don’t handle it that way. Imagine that.

I kinda thought I’d be better all by myself
I never been so wrong before
You made it impossible
For me to ever love somebody else
And now I don’t know what I left you for
See I thought I could replace you
He can’t love me the way you do
Til now I never knew
I’m spoiled
For your love
Boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What’s the point it’s just a waste of time
I’m spoiled
For your touch
Boy
The love you give is just to hard to find
Don’t wanna live without you in my life
Joss.Stone ~ Spoiled

This little white girl put it down on the soul. This song is like J. Holiday’s but without the pain. I was so spoiled recently that when I think about past relationships and interactions I could just line those guys up and slap em for not being as good as this one was. My older lady friend from earlier in this monologue was famous for saying:
Chicken shyt and Chicken salad….
If you’ve never had chicken salad then you’ll choose chicken shyt every time.

That’s a word so strong I could holler right now. All I can say is DAMN IF CHICKEN SALAD AIN’T GOOD!

…You said baby I’m tired
Must have been tired of me
Cause you left me….

…Sent me a letter saying you still care
Said you ain’t in love with no one else
And now I’m living every day
Blaming myself
So if you have a reason
And you ain’t speaking up
Why can’t you just be a man
Tell me I ain’t good enough…
Heather.Headley ~ What’s Not Being Said

This message ties in to Mary J’s last one. It’s about the feeling of inadequacy. I have this problem. I sit around and wonder what is wrong with me that could possibly explain why I don’t attract men or why I can’t maintain a relationship. Something more than just that “you’re too independent” or “you intimidate people” answer. Something like I’m not pretty enough, or small enough, or funny enough, or simply good enough.

Did anybody see ya
Comin’ to my house last night
When I got your message in my beeper
That you wanna do everything I like, alright…
…You’re my little secret
And that’s how we should keep it
It’s on everybody’s mind, about you and I
They think so, but they don’t really know or wanna know
That you’re my little secret
And that’s how we should keep it
We should never let them know, never let it show
If you know, like I know, we should never let it go
X.scape ~ My Little Secret

How many of us just loved this song because of the good beat (don’t front…y’all know that JD can put it down on a damn beat!) and the scandalous message?

How deep is it that the sex is so good to her she’s willing to be scandalous and play the role necessary to keep scratching her itch. A while back when I first started this blog I had a post about the difference between good and great. And I admitted then that I knew I’d only had good and longed for greatness…..anxious and excited about the prospect of one day being able to definitively know the difference.
DAMN IF CHICKEN SALAD AIN’T GOOD! ~ You get the point.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i’m okay but that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do
Rascal.Flatts ~ What Hurts the Most

My favorite movie in the world is Dirty.Dancing. There is a scene after Baby and Johnny have danced at the other lodge and Baby’s dad helped Penny with the botched up abortion. Baby goes to Johnny’s room and he says how he admires her for having courage and never being afraid of anything. Baby (in broken voice) tells Johnny how she’s afraid of everything
“of dancing tonight, of what I saw back there, of what I did, and most of all…..of leaving here and never feelinng again…..the way I feel when I’m with you.”

SAY THAT SHYT BABY! That’s song strong azz fear y’all. Grown azz woman fear. Fear of never feeling as good as it felt. Fear of losing a person and never telling them how good it felt. Whew.