Living with Bipolar Disorder – Part 2

I don’t know if I can effectively explain what depression feels like to someone who has never experienced it. Contrary to popular belief and misunderstanding it is not the same as just being sad or down in the dumps. I know a lot of people have read articles about winter blues and holiday depression. It is not the same. Depression can be debilitating. It negatively impacts your productivity without you even realizing it. I stayed in bed, in the same sweats, for a solid month. I stank. I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. Looking back now I have a lot of regrets about the times when I was at my worst. I struggle with the feeling that my life could have been and could be completely different if I’d gotten help…if I had even understood what I was going through. That’s an entirely different emotional avalanche.

There is a flip side to this coin as well. There are periods of mania where I can take on the world. I’m super productive, highly efficient. I’m Wonder Woman! All is great with the world!!!! And then I realize that I’m spinning out of control and my mind won’t slow down. Nothing will slow down. My brain is actually screaming for help and I’m the only one that can hear it. I’ve never drank an energy drink and used speed but I imagine that this is that 1000% elevated. It’s like that game you play as a kid where you spin around and around and around and around and around until you’re so dizzy that you can’t even stand up. That’s what’s going on in my head. It’s constantly spinning and waiting to fall down. This is even more frustrating than being depressed (to me) because I don’t recognize it as easily and can’t decipher how long it may last. Being happy and productive scares me because I don’t know if it’s authentic or not.

Just like with anything else the mood swings can vary from mild to extreme and can be experienced within close proximity to each other. I have been so over the top that I went on a shopping spree and spent $1,500 on a pair of ostrich skin boots and as soon as I got home I felt like my life was over because I spent the money.

FYI…money is one of my triggers. Money and a man.

I know the words don’t necessarily help you empathize or understand depression or anxiety or a manic state. But I hope something I say educates you.

I Don’t Like You

Back when I was a freshman in college there was a young lady that I didn’t like. I didn’t have a reason and didn’t have to. I just didn’t like her. One night at bible study she leaned over to the pastor and asked him for a specific verse. When . . . → Continue reading: I Don’t Like You

Be Amazing

  

Living with Bipolar Disorder – Part 1

I was having a conversation with a co-worker about the season finale of Empire. If you watched season 1 you know that the character Andre has a severe form of bipolar disorder. During the season finale his wife told him that she’s pregnant. My co-worker and I were rehashing the . . . → Continue reading: Living with Bipolar Disorder – Part 1